Here are some of my photos from December.
Besides living in a pandemic it has been pretty normal. The weather is mild. The friends are superb. The food has been bomb. Lots of birthdays have passed. It has been good. I miss Instagram.
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"Hey friend!! I have missed you! How's it going? How are you? I'm sad we haven't talked in awhile but I just have been soooooo busy!!" - Me to Cold Oatmeal, being a friend that really hasn't made an effort but feels sort of bad but also knows it's not realistic to keep a day to day friendship so I add a bunch of exclamation points to try to make myself feel better. I'm sorry, Cold Oatmeal. Yeah, I feel like I haven't been on here in a while. I just feel like my creative thoughts & words haven't been worth typing or writing out, which to some people might feel sad or depressing. To me, it feels like a normal thing that I have felt most of my life when it comes to creative things. Which is why I don't always pursue my creative endeavors or just FINISH things that I actually feel super passionate about. Okay, so actually that sounds super depressing & now I'm sad. To give you a few updates on my life, I feel like this year has been an absolute blur. I haven't decided if the blur is because I am getting older & "time goes by so quickly the older you get" (any old person) or it is because this year has been an absolute S show with a raging pandemic (wear a mask) & being at home & trying to navigate how to have a social life without getting sick & also trying to make a living & also trying to find meaning in day to day life & not think about all the depressing things on the world wide web? Yeah, I think it's the latter. Lol. This is why I don't write right now. Because I have NO IDEA what is worth writing about when we are in the middle of a historic year! Maybe people need words to read that aren't just about how we SHOULD be feeling or what we SHOULD be doing or what we SHOULD be filling our minds with. Maybe we just need a little push towards something good, whole, real, & "uplifting & encouraging" (any Christian radio station). If you need some truth today, even though life is hard & everything feels difficult to navigate, God sees you. I don't know who needs to hear that, but it's true. He sees you, your hurts, your confusion, your sadness, your loneliness, your anxious thoughts, & everything else. The best part is, He still loves you just the same. Now for some depressing news, I have no idea how to end this. I really am just writing today so I can check it off my list. I'm trying to exercise my writing muscles & get words out so that I don't feel like my brain is bursting with thoughts all the time. I have to take my dog on a walk. Bye Isolation can be detrimental to the human brain --- even when an individual is in a room full of people, it is very easy to feel completely alone when your “normalcy” is stripped away. It is the natural human inclination to have our thoughts begin spiraling out of control when we feel that we have nothing secure to stand on.
We, as privileged human beings, are allowed to feel, and to feel deeply. To be disappointed that what we thought was going to be --- wasn’t. To mourn the loss of something that did not come to fruition in a way that we expected; a job, a wedding, a season of life. To be trapped in a place that we may not feel emotionally safe, and turn to survival mode to get through the day. To feel like we are completely free falling into the unknown as every ounce of consistency we knew to be true a month ago is no longer in sight. We are allowed to feel our truth --- but we can’t stay there. There has to be a balance of holding our truth in one hand, and turning to look at our other hand where the rest of the world’s truth rests. While this time at home is hard for us, there is a blue collar worker who has worked so hard to provide for his family, and hasn't had any time off during the first year of his daughter’s life. He is seeing this time as a blessing, even though the financial stress is looming over his head while he is not receiving a paycheck. There are women in violent homes, unable to flee. There are refugees in camps, stuck with little to no food or water, struggling to fight this disease alongside attempting to feed their families. The rest of the world is in survival mode as well. Life is about balance --- balancing our truth, knowing it’s okay to feel our own heartbreak, but holding it to the light, and knowing that we, as privileged human beings, are blessed. There are people in our community and around the world who are also in need. We need to look at what we have and then turn and say, “how can we help,” “how can we give,” “how can we just be there for our friends, our neighbors, and people we don’t even know around the world.” We need to hold our truth, and hold other’s truth, and support one another, to keep marching forward, to combat isolation and spiraling, and know that we are not alone in this battle. I have been sad today. It kind of hit me at a random time of day too. The last few days of being at home have been rough just trying to feel motivated to do things around the house. The fun part of not going to work has worn off. The joy of me not having to wake up at a certain time has worn off. Instagram is boring. Facebook is boring. The news is depressing.
I feel like I have been doing really well honestly, I have been in really good spirits. Trying to make light of things. Enjoying the slow pace of life. But today, I started missing everything. I miss going to work. I miss seeing my friends & taking people to their tables. I miss talking about how good our food is. I miss having long days at work where I know I have done my job well. I miss listening to fun music after we close. I miss talking to our chefs from Thailand & laughing at our language barrier but learning more everyday. I even miss wearing my manager clothes, which is saying something. I miss going out. I miss sitting at a restaurant for a few hours with my best friends updating each other on life happenings. I miss laughing with our servers because they know our order. I miss warm tortilla chips & salsa & asking for more. I miss going to sit at a coffee shop for long periods of time sitting across from someone I haven't talked with in a while. I miss sipping coffee & having no other place to be. I miss going to brunch. I miss my friends making me go out late at night after I have put on my comfy clothes even though I know it will be worth it. I miss shopping. That sounds ridiculous, but I do. I miss going to the mall. I miss going to Target & seeing people shop for their Spring Break vacations all excited. I miss the empty shelves of Target (what). I miss going to Half Price Books & walking around for a long time having no idea what I want to buy. I miss sitting with my family outside at Zesto. I miss hanging out with people. I want to hug my family. I want to be in a crowded place. I want to go to a concert. I want to go to my friend's Spring weddings. I want to not worry anymore. I want things back to normal. TRUST ME I know have so much to be thankful for. I am so grateful that I get a safe house. I get to hangout with my husband. I have time to write. I have time to organize. I have a lot of time, & it has been really nice. I know there are people suffering & working on the front lines, & that is why I am home. Today was just sad, so I figured I'd write about it. I realized something this morning. God always keeps his promises. No, he never promised us good health, or that we wouldn’t have sadness or death in this world, because it is a result of a broken world. He did promise us new life, a new creation, & his Spirit. He has promised us that if we are in Him, he will give us peace. I get to rest in that today. If there is anything that I can hold onto right now, it is the promises God has given me. If I ask him for peace, he will freely give it. If we ask, he can give us joy, kindness, love, & words for others in this time. He gives us hope. I know that he will keep his promises. He promised me that would be with me. He knows everyone’s name. He is not an absent God. He gives grace to those who need it. He is in every hospital room. He is with families that are mourning. He is with me as I sit in my house. There is so much brokenness in the world, but God is still good because he is with us in it, he will make everything right. In light of all of these things that are happening in our world, it can be a revealing time for us; showing us what we actually hope in. We are able to spread light right now. This is the time that we get to show off how good our God is. "For He says, “In a favorable time I listened to you, and in a day of salvation I have helped you.” Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation. We put no obstacle in anyone's way, so that no fault may be found with our ministry, but as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: by great endurance, in afflictions, hardships, calamities, beatings, imprisonments, riots, labors, sleepless nights, hunger; by purity, knowledge, patience, kindness, the Holy Spirit, genuine love; by truthful speech, and the power of God; with the weapons of righteousness for the right hand and for the left; through honor and dishonor, through slander and praise. We are treated as impostors, and yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything." (ESV) 2 Corinthians 6:2–10 Lately, when I wake up I ask myself the question, "What do I want to be about today?"
Too many times I have found myself feeling like my whole day is wasted because I feel like I didn't get enough things done, didn't plan it out enough, or really just failed it altogether - when I have had plenty of time to do things. It is just a day all about my own happiness instead of others. While I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, I feel like it is easy to just go through my day blindly not knowing what I want to do with it. If I don't ask that question, I can just be on my phone all day. I actually start my day with it, & then feel the need to keep up with it for the rest of the day. Which, without me even realizing it, can cause thoughts like, "I just need to make sure I don't miss anything" or "I should make sure that other people aren't doing anything fun without me." When I start my day asking that question, I get to decide what I want to do with it. Maybe, I want my day to be about learning, writing, or making a to-do list. Sometimes, it is just spending time with people. Sometimes, it is me allowing myself to catch up on a show that I really enjoy. It helps me keep myself in check on things I don't want to do, like "Do I want to be selfish today?" or "Do I really want to be hard on myself all day?" Then can lead to questions of things I want to do, "How can I love people better?" or "Who can I pray for today?" I think this practice has helped me in a lot of ways, mostly just to realize what my priorities are. I don't want to walk around life just feeling like I am not doing anything worthwhile. I don't want to just live a life of complacency. I want to live on purpose. What do you want to be about today? There is so much life that happens before 9am. I love driving around during rush hour, because it makes me feel like everyone has somewhere to be. I imagine people turning on their office lights, the steam wands whirring at Starbucks, long lines to get the paper, & morning rituals. It is the start of the new day & it makes me feel like there are so many other people in it with me. I want to wake up early more often. I haven't written in awhile, but I'm pretty sure I say that every time I post something. I think lately it has been hard to write something when I don't have meaningful things to say, it just feels like random words strung together. Today, I am here to talk about one thing I have been learning recently, & hopefully I can get back into the swing of writing. I'm going to write about the art of being present. I have always been a person that is either looking backwards or forwards, mostly because I feel things deeply, so if the past was good, it was really good, or if the future is scary, it's really scary. I like to dwell in those moments in my brain, sit there for a while, & then forget what is right in front of me. This past summer I was having a really tough go of anxiety, & it was becoming really hard to shake. I hadn't had this kind of anxiety for years, & it felt really confusing & overwhelming at the time. I couldn't think straight, let alone be in the present moment. It began to consume me, & I ended up having to start going to a counselor. When I started going, not only did it help me feel like I wasn't crazy, it also helped me realize there is so much value being in the present. Listening to my breaths, telling myself what is real right now, & being thankful for the gifts God has given. One thing that really draws me in is gratitude. Thinking about the things I am grateful for or even good things I don't deserve has drawn me in multiple times in the last few months. It gives me peace in this moment, & then I get to enjoy the things in the present in a deeper way. Today, I challenge you to think about what is right now. Enjoy this moment. See the things around you. It changes our perspective & grounds us to what is real. By Emma p. KowatchAlayna texts me, asks if I would write something for Cold Oatmeal. I immediately respond with a “Yes, but what do you want me to write?”. She says anything I want to. Anything I want to write. What do I want to write? It’s an overwhelming sense of nothing along with every little thing going on in my head these days. What do I want to share? I mean I want to share something good, something honest, something helpful, something insightful. What even is that though? I usually want to talk about the Enneagram or God or at least someone’s idea of God or YouTube film critiques or menstrual cycles. I can talk about any of those all day. In the end I’m sure whatever I write might be considered, may hit home with someone, but ultimately will be forgotten. So let’s make this less about the end goal and more about the process of sharing. The thing we’re taught and forced to do as kids. “Hey do you wanna see my toy? Hold it? Look at it? Even play with it? Then give it back!” Do you want to hold my thoughts for a little bit? They’re a little choppy. A little random. I don’t know how you’d give them back to me but maybe you can show me some of your own thoughts some time. We can do a little trade. Here’s what I have to share today. I love sorting myself and others into personalities, hobbies, experiences. The art of knowing oneself better so one can know another human being better. What a trip to hear what you think compared to what I think and then figure out how we both got there. We’re made of contradicting stuff, you and I. All our individuality often makes bridges between understanding and coexisting with each other. It’s easier said than done to walk across those bridges. The best relationships in my life have been the ones where we either casually sit on a bench and simply observe the bridges, point, laugh, reminisce and the ones where we slowly make our way across the bridges, hand in hand, studying the support beams, arcs, style, functionality of our bridges. There’s so much to share about clothes. These things we cover ourselves with every moment except when when we shower. As a young girl I always felt uncomfortable wearing anything that fit too tight to my ever changing figure. I started wearing baggy jeans and loose dresses or items two sizes too big. Even today if I put on something fitted enough that it proves I do in fact have breasts (however small) and hips and thighs, I get a sense of nervousness, even excitement. Then the day and it’s work begins and I forget I’m even a body wearing clothes until a car slows down as I’m walking along the sidewalk and a stranger says out the window, in a far too familiar way for being a stranger, “Hey you, you’re beautiful.” Then I’m that kid again going through puberty unsure of what to do, what to cover up, and how to be unnoticed. I suddenly am very aware of what I put on that day and the vulnerable body underneath it all. I want to hide. Clothes for me can’t be about being seen. They are about being comfortable and feeling good about the body that carries them. I’ve always liked the way men’s wear looked and felt on my body. I feel pretty while also feeling wild and confident, less worried about what others may or may not think is underneath the clothes. However, I was always told it wasn’t flattering and not feminine enough, like I somehow have to prove I am a woman. If no one else existed, man, I’d be in love with this body and wear whatever the hell I wanted. Can we talk about the flowers at the Rose Garden in Lakeside Park for second? The purple ones specifically because those seem to be the bumblebees’ favorite. These bumbles, they bob up and down like lazy waves moving from bud to bud. They get their whole faces up in a bloom, doting grandmother style, as if they’re kissing each of the yellow-blushing pollen cheeks. Why is this so happy and how did I come to notice this flirtatious cycle? I was raised Evangelical Christian so the story of the Gospel is never too far from my mind. Here’s why I think I keep returning to it after years of deconstruction work done to my Christian upbringing. What if the body & spirit of me and the body & spirit of you is given as a gift by some creator of the universe to come together and make something new? This idea spoken in different ways, preached in different ways, written in different ways has become so unavoidable for me. I want it all to be true. If we’re all just searching for a truth to motivate our life, then I want this to be mine. Is there a good work to be done, that anyone can choose each day to be a part of or not? Can we choose to ride alongside each other in a process of new life, of love and kindness and a hope of you’re-never-too-far-gone-or-lost-or-confused? I sure hope there is. Enough so that I keep coming back to this strange but beautifully intentional story. Worthiness is on my mind quite a bit. How these days I seem to be chasing after a Great Affirmation to tell me that I am worthy enough to be on this planet, because a lot of the time I do not feel that I am. I spend so much time just figuring out how to take care of myself. Is anyone else tired of that process? What a job. (Do you ever wish you could be paid to take care of yourself?? I suppose one could say the payment is the chance to live on earth in the first place.) As the whole globe of life keeps spinning, I look up every now and then and think, “Hey wait up! What are we doing? I think I missed out on hearing the plan!” I want to share about how impossible it seems to be part of any kind of group while also remaining an authentic individual. It seems necessary to do both, but how? No seriously, tell me how. This process of figuring out “what I’m about”. These days it seems to be all about choosing your side, your cause, your team. I find that the simplest way for me to process how I think and feel about anything in my mid 20’s is to think about how I would pass along my conclusions to a four year old and then go from there. Four year olds’ seem like the honest, hopeful Judge on our planet right now and I want to make a great case for them. Hey young person, this is what I think about God and feminism and the benefits of eating more plants, what do you think??? Fishing for that Great Affirmation again but this time from someone still learning how to write their “j”s but not backwards or upside down. Enough of me sharing. Man that was a lot. Feel free to return the favor some time. In person, off the laptop or phone, and tell me what you have to share. It may drain me. I may need a cup of tea to focus. But I want to hear. I want to work on listening. Now is the time right? Oh that reminds me, here’s a good poem if you’re into that sort of thing. “Silence” by Billy Collins Now it is time to say what you have to say. The room is quiet. The whirring fan has been unplugged, and the girl who was tapping a pencil on her desktop has been removed. So tell us what is on your mind. We want to hear the sound of your foliage, the unraveling of your tool kit, your songs of loneliness, your songs of hurt. The trains are motionless on the tracks, the ships are at rest in the harbor. The dogs are cocking their heads and the gods are peering down from their balloons. The town is hushed, and everyone here has a copy. So tell us about your parents-- your father behind the steering wheel, your cruel mother at the sink. Let's hear about all the clouds you saw, all the trees. Read the poem you brought with you tonight. The ocean has stopped sloshing around, and even Beethoven is sitting up in his deathbed, his cold hearing horn inserted in one ear. There is a lot of uncertainty in life, but I realized something this morning.
No matter what mood i'm in, how my heart is, what kind of day it is, the sun always rises. It has never missed a day. It keeps going when I can't. It is always dependable. There is always a new day. It is beautiful every morning. The mercies from God are new every morning too, & He keeps it all going. He is so faithful. lyrics by sleeping at last
Lately, I have been thinking a lot about how as a Christian, I am supposed to be "different from the world" when being (the wrong, judgmental) "different" has caused people so much pain by the church especially. It feels like a tall task when I am just as flawed, just as human, and just as susceptible to life's pains. Honestly, it's been kind of discouraging for me for the last few years thinking about this topic. "What makes me different than others?" "How can I effectively live differently if I don't even know where to start?" "The church has caused so much pain, how can I even be different from that?" How is it that people from non-profits, charities, & non-Christian communities are more loving than people who claim they are "God's people"? The one's who should be the most loving, the most welcoming, and the most selfless. Sometimes, I feel as if I don't even want people to know about my faith when I know it is a loaded statement. When you say you are a Christian, you say that you go against others beliefs, ways of life, and thought processes. While this is true for me, I feel like I have to fight to let those people know that I have Christ's love & affection towards them, even though I might not agree with certain things in their lives. How is this possible in 2019 when there is so much division, opinions, & hatred towards people that aren't like you? GREAT question. Ha. I think I have found a few things recently: 1. I listened to a sermon recently saying that what Christians can do to be different is stop complaining. If you try this then you'll realize how hard it actually is... I think a lot of time complaining can make you more connected to someone or have more things in common. But, honestly, complaining helps no one. Being a light, looking at the good, and being an encouragement to others is so different from our societal norms & I think has been really beneficial to myself & others around me. 2. Honestly, I think just loving people without ulterior modives is another huge thing. When I was younger and I would hangout with friends that weren't Christians, I would always feel like I needed to slide in the Jesus thing or how I was a Christian, because that would help them believe or something. The problem was, I was living in guilt if I wouldn't, or I had no idea on how to correctly time it out without it being awkward. What i've realized is that people will know I am different because of how much I love them, or how I treat others & the way I live. If they ask quesitions, or there is a right time to talk about it, I will. But, living in shame or guilt because I haven't talked about it is not from Jesus. Loving people because Jesus did is a much better way to live. These things have been on my mind lately & I think that analyzing our lives once in a while & seeing where we can improve or love others better is so so important. I want to be different in the best way, and showing others that we can only truly live because of Jesus is the best way of living. Has anyone else noticed that film cameras, records, taking care of plants, are all making a comeback? I feel like I have so many theories on why this could be happening: enjoyment, boredom, uniqueness, but I think it is the human heart longing for simpler times. When we weren't so stimulated everyday by thousands of photos & had millions of songs at our disposal. Just 10 songs that you can't skip, one photo that you don't know how will turn out, plants that take time to grow that you actually have to make an effort for. Is it possible that we are going to these things because we have the sentimental feelings of going back to when people were more connected, more present, less lonely? Times when you would have to sit in silence before bedtime. Times when you were forced to talk to others in the doctors waiting room? Look across from you during dinner? What if we created spaces where those things were possible? Where we didn't have the excuse of a text or some website to check? I want those things to make a comeback as well. |